The Truth!

Some people have been on my case lately about how I'm not being honest and how I'm able to psycho analyze every one but myself. Normally, I would ignore statements like that but I wouldn't want to lose the trust of my readers. I'm a very reserved person and although it seems like I talk about everything, I keep the things that really matter close to my heart. Lol...what's the point of hiding anything from you guys when I've been so open thus far? So, I've decided that this post will be sort of my very own tell all!

Why do I love psychology so much? I love it because it teaches understanding of the human character and it helps you to remember that there is probably always more to what you see. It teaches you to dig deeper until you find all the answers. The answers that matter. Lol...I know you expected me to give some scientific answer but I can't, it's not just theory to me. It's so much more. I'm going to go ahead and bare my soul right now, I know it's going to leave me totally vulnerable but I can live with that if it proves that I've been completely honest.

When people ask me about my ego and self-confidence, I just tell them it's all thanks to God and my dad. God created me with a dose of self-confidence and my dad doubled it. When I was a little girl, every morning daddy would wake me up and tell me how beautiful I am, how intelligent, talented and independent I am. He did that every morning and every other minute we spent together. As I grew up, he told me that I should never be completely swayed or impressed with what a man claims he can get me or gets me. He said, "Dupe, if a man tells you I'm going to build you a house, tell him my daddy will build me 2! Then come right to me and tell me. If I don't have the money right then, I'll borrow!!!". Funny I know. But, I totally believed him. He gave me no reason whatsoever to doubt him. I think I've told this story to every man that has ever bragged in front of me.

I promised him when I was 7 that I would get my master's degree in his name. He made me make that promise because he did not want any man claiming to have 'made' me. All these made me able to raise my head high anywhere. I didn't lack love or anything. I was and still am completely loved in that cocoon we call family. My dad is my protector, my first love, my greatest supporter, my most loyal fan and my very own publicity agent. With him, I never have to worry about my image. He rebrands me regularly. Every day I come closer to becoming Supergirl.

I think I took it up a notch though. No guy impressed me. Everything they did was...I never had a schoolgirl's crush. I never attempted to get close to or let any boy get too close to me. To the boys, I was practically a dude. Once in a while, someone would try to change that but everything just fell back into their rightful place. Even back then, I was so damn good at fixing relationship issues and standing up for people that couldn't or wouldn't stand up for themselves. I'll admit that I haven't been fighting many battles recently but that's just because not everybody wants your help. Most people hate your guts for even trying. If people would let me though, my area of concentration would be domestic violence. I'm really passionate about putting a complete end to that.

I eventually fell in love though. You know that kind of love that knocks common sense out the window? The one that makes even the most intelligent of us seem stupid? The one that puts you at the mercy of the one you love. The one that despite knowing better, despite seeing all the warning signs you still go ahead and make a total and complete fool of yourself. The one that makes reasoning hard. The one that makes your friends look like your enemies because they just don't get it. They just don't have what you have and they're jealous. Lol...I believe that at some point in everyone's life they get heartbroken. I know that in every relationship, it's only a matter of time before one partner betrays the trust. In a big way or a small way and all you have to figure out is how to move on from that or break up because you can't be together anymore.

What people forget is that everybody is different. People deal with stuff differently. Some people heal fast while others take forever to heal. Very few never heal. Back then, it never at anytime crossed my mind that I could have my heart broken into a million tiny jagged pieces. I had never experienced my trust being betrayed or being disappointed. I had two wonderful examples of how a relationship between a man and a woman should be; my grandparents have been together for over 50 years and they have 5 children between them, my parents have been going it for over 25 years and they are still growing strong. Yes, they argue and they don't always like each other but they always find a way to come back together.

I see my dad find new ways to surprise my mom. I see him try harder to stop something when she complains about it. I see my mom talk to my dad like he is her rock. I see the joy in her eyes when he finally comes home. I see how she just wants to be in the same room with him at all times because she missed him. I love the way they hug and kiss even in front of us making us comfortable with public displays of affection. I love that after 25 years, they can still find new ways to say, "I love you" to each other.

It's amazing that at 90 years, my grandfather still remembers to get my grandmother a gift for new year's,  Valentines day, easter, Christmas, her birthday and sometimes just for the hell of it. I love that my grandmother misses my grandfather after a day apart. I like that she still bothers enough to want to cook for him and cater for him. I love the fact that at that age they still kiss, they still hug. I like that they know each other so well it's like they are each others best friend. Tell me why I would have prepared my heart for so much less and incredible pain when I grew up in such a stable and loving environment?

I went into it naive. I gave him my all and then some. I was submissive. I brought myself several notches below the pedestal my father kept me on. I forgot that I was someone's princess and I let one man treat me like trash. I loved him through every episode of bullshit. I loved him even after I found out he was just using me. I loved him after I told him I loved him and he laughed. I loved him after he told me he didn't love me back (although, he didn't tell me this until I caught him with someone else). God!  I cannot begin to describe the kind of excruciating pain I'm going through just writing about this. I've never told anybody this story because I didn't want anyone to know I don't always have it together.

That guy broke me. He shattered me completely and he destroyed my faith in mankind. I would lock myself up in my room and just cry my eyes out. Other times, I would go out and get intoxicated and then make a complete fool of myself. Once in a while, I would go back to him and just ask him why. I would ask him what I did that was so wrong that he had to rip my fucking heart out. I couldn't tell anyone because I was so disappointed in myself. For the first time since I was born, I genuinely hated myself. From the start I was a joke to him but he was never a joke to me. After that, I just crashed and burned severally. I was never going to let any man hurt me like that again. I was never going to cry in front of another man, I was going to protect me and my heart. It's not like I had all the pieces back yet and I knew that even if I did, it would never be the same heart again.

I ended up destroying so many relationships that could have truly become great and I also broke my own set of hearts. The cycle is quite vicious. I punished others for the crime of one man. I wasn't and I guess I'm still not strong enough to completely forgive or forget. Then one day, through the daily mess that I called life back then, I watched a movie (can't recall the title right now...something love) and I heard a saying, "any man can be an asshole, it takes strength to be a real man". The words spoke to me. I realized that I had a problem and that I couldn't fix it on my own. I was really sick on the inside and I needed someone that will listen and wouldn't say I was just giving excuses for my behavior.

I happened to have a few medical doctors as friends and I kept asking and disturbing until one broke and referred me to a therapist. Both my parents did some form of psychiatry but my love for psychology only grew because of my therapist. I got a bonus too. He happened to be Christian. So, he used his psycho-babble and the renewal of my heart and how it stood before God to heal me. After 3 months I was almost back to the old me, a year and I found peace again.

I will admit that 2 years ago,  the guy that brought me so much pain tried to worm his way back into my life talking about how he cares for me, trying to offer me advice and all that, needless to say I tore him a new one. This year though, I was civil to him (it's been 5 years afterall, I gotta let it go at some point). I told my therapist I wasn't ready to venture into a committed relationship and he adviced me to read books that empowered single women and they worked for me so very much. I personally recommend Michelle Hammond.

I'm human so I still have feelings. But I'm also a changed woman, one who is comfortable with being single and loves every moment of it. When I have a crush, I do not stump it out. I let it run its course. Sometimes I inform the individual and let them know no matter what they do, my crush will run its full course. During my healing period, I discovered that men feel this way too. I have a friend that was hurt too. Now all he does is be with different women and not commit to any. I connected with him because of that. I care very much for him and want to heal him, but I can't until he wants to be healed. He acts like its all okay, but it's not and I see that.

On my own I figured out that love isn't something you give hoping you get it back in return (although it's a bonus when you do), it's what you give freely because you have it in abundance in your heart. It's opening up yourself to be hurt and broken. It's being at your most vulnerable. I might not be ready to go all the way again, but I never stopped believing in love. I guess right now, deep down, I'm just a little girl terrified of being hurt again.

Well, that's my story. Compared to what others have gone through, it's quite plain but it hurt my pride and it bruised my ego. And yet, I still told it. Lol...now no one can accuse me of not being totally honest with my readers.