Mending Hearts!!! - Dealing With Heartbreak

I've spent the last couple of days trying to improve my Emotional Intelligence(EI). I can honestly tell you that it isn't a piece of cake. I recently found out that psychologists believe that Emotional Intelligence might be more important than a person's Intelligence Quotient (IQ). I've always been secure in the fact that I might not be a genius, but I was notches above average. Then they go ahead and burst my bubble by stating that. I took an EI test and turns out I am below average in that one. I come across to people as cold and uncaring. What's ironic is that, I don't think or believe that there's anyone in the world more sensitive than I am. I just don't know how to express those feelings outside writing. My therapist actually has a theory that was why I started writing. I get his point. I'm not going to dig into that though...it's another post entirely.

But, can you really blame me for being closed up? The very few times I tried being completely open, leaving myself vulnerable, I got my heart smashed into smithereens. I always wondered why people just don't return hearts they don't want anymore. Why break them? They are useless to their owners broken. No child wants a broken toy. No one wants to willingly take responsibility for fixing a broken heart. It's hard work. I don't want to be all clinical in this post, someone pointed out to me that my last two posts in the series - Mending Hearts, although very helpful was kinda impersonal. Personally, I don't know how to make it more personal. But, I decided to try any way.

In my opinion, heartbreak and grief are interwoven. Heartbreak leads to grief. You can be heartbroken because you lost someone you love to death, divorce or a breakup. You go through the stages of grief as well when dealing with heartbreak. Heartbreak evolves into grief. I hope someone gets that. Although all forms of heartbreaks are just as important, I'm focusing on the type originating from a divorce or breakup. I've often heard people comment that a breakup was amicable. Even if it was, one of both parties or both is still going to harbor some bitterness. Even when divorce feels like the only way out of an uncomfortable situation, your heart is still broken. Why? Because you wasted so much of your time with that person. Building a life, a home with them. You can never get that time back. And it's so damn hard to not be embittered about that.

One of my favorite writers, Oscar Wilde, said, "the heart was made to be broken..." I agree with that. Doesn't make it anymore easier. Nobody goes into a relationship hoping that they get their hearts broken. Do we even know all the side effects of an heartbreak? Of the top of my head;

1. Heartbreak syndrome: The heart, although it's not technically the organ or part truly affected, becomes weak and the patient develops a a life threatening heart condition (yeah, it's very real).

2. Mental illness: Depression, which might or might not lead to suicide. That aside, statics show that the majority of cases in mental institutions are brought on by heartbreaks.

3. Low self-esteem: Anybody who's been hurt knows it's very hard not to blame yourself for what happened. If you were cheated on or left for someone else, it affects how you see and rate yourself. You begin to wonder if there's something wrong with you. You eventually conclude that there is and nobody can make you think any differently.

4. Emotional Instability: You either begin to shut people out or refuse to get too close to anybody emotionally. If you venture into another relationship, you become obsessive, controlling and you nag about everything. You're constantly on your guard. At the same time, you hold a part of you back till they mess up like you expect them to. That way you don't get hurt. Right? Wrong! You still get hurt.

5. Paranoia: You always assume that they're cheating or with someone else. You become a stalker. You're scared someone is coming in to destroy your relationship. Eventually you hate yourself for doing all that.

6. Trust issues: No matter how hard your partner tries to win your trust, you find it hard to reward them with it. You mistrust every word that goes out of their mouth. You mistrust their explanations. You even mistrust their love.

I see no need to go further. With all that I have listed above, do you think you can just easily venture into another healthy relationship? I highly doubt that. Unless your partner is patient and very, very, very, very, very understanding (that's a lot of verys if you ask me). Your partner doesn't want to be your therapist or your rebound. They don't want to be constantly reminded that you had your heartbroken(to them, that just means you still love the other person). It's tough, period!

I believe that after an heartbreak, you should give yourself time to heal. It is  better to take a mended heart into a relationship than a broken one. Sometimes, it's better to be single for a season. This helps you sort out your feelings and helps you better understand what you want out of a relationship. I've been told by my therapist that I am overly dependent on others(and to think I thought I was the epitome of independence). He said and I paraphrase, that my emotional problems stem from the fact that I never truly got healed after my first heartbreak. I just kept multiplying the hurt and breaks by using other people to make me forget and so my fear of being single which explains why I've dated the kind of characters that I have in the past despite knowing better and my little knowledge of the human psyche.

According to him, I didn't want to deal with the wound, so I just let it get infected instead. He explained that every other person following the first can be classified as THE REBOUND. I didn't even try to argue with him. That actually explained a lot. That made perfect sense to me. I would get infatuated, tell myself, no! Convince myself that it was love and venture into it full steam. I would later lose interest, get bored, cause so much drama he wants out or nag the living daylights out of him until I squeeze whatever affection he had for me out. I'm stubborn and a little overbearing, I wouldn't say I have penis-envy(partly because it's offensive to me) but I tend to compete for the role of the man in a relationship. I'm always right. Even if I'm not, it's in his best interest to let me have my moment. If by some miracle, my ego steps back a bit, I apologize but still never admit being wrong.

I've got some good points too though. I'm sensitive, generous, intelligent, honest, selfless, caring, loving and sweet. But we all know that the bad always finds a way to outweigh the good. While, I've met amazing people, nobody really has to deal with that kinf of emotional rollercoaster on top of everything else that is wrong with me if they really didn't have to. My parents and siblings, stuck with me! The rest of the world, not so much! People like me, that just try to cover up the wound and not treat it are a lot alike with people who treat it and then cover it up. People in this category never put themselves out there again and it's just as bad. The two categories point towards two different extremities. One is just as bad as the other. A balance must be found and made.

Just because you were hurt doesn't mean that every other person is out to do the same. There is an Adam for every Eve and an Eve for every Adam! Believe that! That means God actually created someone for everyone. You are not alone. The fact that it takes you so long to actually find THE ONE, doesn't mean that person isn't out there. Being single is not so bad. Instead of hating that season/phase of your life, why not embrace it and do as many things as you can. Things you wouldn't be able to do if you had a partner.

Determine in your heart to love again. Let someone in. Love is all about taking risks. If you enter into a relationship pragmatically, one day, you're going to regret not waiting for fireworks. The wait for true love is exciting. It might be a long wait, but at the end, you get something that was worth the wait.

Talking about your pain and through your hurt helps when dealing with heartbreaks. You could join a support group. You could go for counseling. You could go out and make new friends. Your world shouldn't revolve around finding the right partner. Like another of my favorite writers, Michelle Hammond, would say (paraphrased),  "live everyday like you would never find love or a partner..." Doesn't mean you won't, because you definitely will...eventually. But it helps you appreciate life more and live it to the fullest. If there is one thing that I know with all certainty, it's that life is pretty damn short and before you or I know it, it's gone.

Why not make the most of it, with or without love?

Adupeola cares!!!

adupeola@gmail.com