Mending Hearts!!! - Grief

Grief, according to my dictionary means, intense sorrow caused by the loss of a loved one (especially through death).

Wikipedia defines it as, a multifaceted response to loss, particularly to the loss of something or someone to which a bond was formed.

It is also crucial to understand that the loss can come in form of divorce or a breakup as well.

There are 5 commonly accepted stages of grief. Every stage is natural and completely healthy. It only becomes abnormal or unhealthy when a person gets stumped in a particular stage for too long. Of course everybody is different and also our psychological make up differs so that every body goes through these stages at a different length of time. It is expected to be patient with people grieving. At some point they have to get to the point where they accept their loss and then move on.

The 5 Stages of Grief.

1. Denial: You find it hard to believe that they're really gone, removed from your life (sometimes forever). You keep wishing it's all a dream. If it's in cases of terminal illness, you keep pretending it isn't real. You shift into defense mode. You eventually begin to believe your own lies. During this first stage, pain isn't as intense.

2. Anger: This comes immediately after reality starts to sink in. The fact that they are going to die or they are really dead begins to really sink in. You are overwhelmed with an intense wave of emotions. You are mad at them for leaving you and causing you so much pain. You blame them for daring to be sick. You blame the doctors or nurses, insisting that they did something wrong(this is the cause of many lawsuits). You're angry with God for putting you through this. You're mad at people who try to console you. They don't know what you're going through. How dare they act like they do? In short, you lash out at everything and everyone.

3. Bargaining: At this stage, you begin to negotiate with God (especially in cases of terminal illness or a breakup), you promise to be a better person if He spares them. You come down with a case of the 'what ifs'. You wonder if it is your fault for not detecting their illness in time. If you should have taken them to a different hospital. Maybe if you were nicer to them. Maybe you could have worked a little harder at keeping you relationship. Anything to try and move fate or make it stop.

4. Depression: You become sad. You're hurt and down. You regret so many things all at once. You keep wanting to reach out to them and then you remember they're gone forever. Sometimes, at this stage, being consoled by another close acquaintance helps. Still, everybody needs time to grieve in private and I've always believed that crying is healthy. Eventually the down moods shifts. If it doesn't, counselling is a good idea. It's really unhealthy to stay too long in this stage. Although, like my people will say, "Grief has no time limit".  They were once a part of your life, you will always have your memories.

5. Acceptance: The common educated conclusion is that acceptance is a gift not awarded to everyone. Some people are forever stuck on the depression stage. They never reach that stage where they can let go. When my great-aunt died, her husband was so miserable without her that he died a couple of months after her. It isn't healthy to try and resist grief. Resistance only makes the healing process slower and the grieving process longer. Eventually, you have to accept and understand that you will never see them again but you have to live on...after all, you're still alive and I'm certain that when the people we love die, they don't want our lives to come to a standstill or cause us pain.

My Story

I had a friend. I met him when I was away from home and going through a tough time. He knew me better than I knew myself. He was a listening ear. Always ready to help me, if I needed it. Contrary to what people thought, we were platonic friends. Nothing sinister was mixed into our friendship. It was pure. He saw through my defense mechanisms. Sometimes, I was scared at how well he knew me.

I took him for granted. I was a terrible friend. I took more than I gave. I was self-centered and selfish. I demanded attention and I wasn't ready to give any of it in return. I expected him to go out of his way to be a good friend to me. I thought the sun rose and set on me. I felt he should consider himself lucky that I was friends with him(he was probably smarter and a better person than I was).

One day, we had a falling out. For some reason, that particular fight did not end the same way the others did. We never made up! I kept thinking he would soon come to his senses and beg for my forgiveness. I made up my mind to make him suffer before finally forgiving him. But he never did come to his senses. And I was too proud to go make things right again.

By chance, on another visit to that same city, after 2years, I ran into a mutual friend of ours. I asked after him and he told me he was dead. I felt like I was socked in my tummy....hard! So many memories came back all at once. My senses were swamped. I refused to believe that someone that young could just up and die. I remember shouting, "that's not funny...that's a sick joke....please tell me you're kidding." I couldn't even bring myself to ask how he died. I didn't want to know.

All I knew was that I was horrible to him and now I would never get a chance to see him again. I got to my friend's and I cried and cried. I cried myself sore. I cried for the boy that left a little to soon. I cried that I lost the sweetest friend I had ever had and probably will never have again. I would go out and see someone that looked like him, I would go back to double-check all the while hoping his death was just a big fat lie.

I'm not superstitious and I don't believe in certain things that aren't completely logical. But, I could have sworn that for a couple of months, at midnight, I would see him sit down on the bed and watch me sleep. I began to hold conversations with him again. I know now that my subconscious was finding it hard to let go of him and accept his death. It was hard for me to picture him gone from this world forever.

I finally came to terms with his death. But I never forgot him. I would see something and remember him. I would meet someone with that same name and think about the friend I lost. If my grief was that intense, his parents must have gone through hell and so would have his siblings. That's why I never pretend to understand someone's grief. A parent grieves differently for a child. A child for a parent. A spouse for their significant other. A friend for a friend. And then colleagues.

Everybody grieves differently. But it is important to actual grieve. Submit to the pain and try to rise above it. Sometimes, having someone to talk with about the person you loved and lost helps a great deal. Loss is more permanent than temporary. Eventually you have to accept it. And move on. For you and for them.

I'm always available to be your listening ear....

+2348086988620

adupeola@gmail.com