Get Heart Smart (Edited)

There are a few things we tend to do wrong when it comes to matters of the heart. It is important that you know how to protect your heart. Like my favorite author would say, "Get heart-smart!" I'm going to highlight 10 'very important' steps to avoiding heartbreak, pain and hurt. Michelle Hammond called them 10 steps to being heart smart. I agree! But, I won't only list them, I will shed light on each and every step.

10 Steps to being heart smart

1. Use your head: Is there really anything that doesn't involve us using our head? Your relationship/involvement with a man is no different. You need to keep in mind that a broken heart spills over to every aspect of your life. Your interaction with friends and family, your attitude to your work and even the way you react to the mistakes of complete strangers (I know, I've been there). Getting the idea of how important the state of your heart is to your well-being? You have been gifted with intuition, you should make use of it.

If you make use of your head, alongside your heart, you will realize that sometimes the heart can be quite deceptive. It only hearsor sees what it wants to; regardless of all the signs proving otherwise. The head will not miss the signs. Also, the heart has very high and unreal expectations. The expectations of the head are realistic and human, leaving room for flaws or imperfections. You should always love a man with full access to your intellects so as to discern if you are making the right choice or not.

2. Leave the pursuing to the man: In this generation, women have toppled the order of things. All in the name of liberation and being independent. Man was created to pursue. It is an in-built design. Men pursue everything. From women to money, from money to fame. It is what they do best. Taking that away from them is setting yourself up for heartbreak (there's no harm in being a little old-fashioned).

A man knows what he wants and no matter how shy or passive he is by nature, he goes after it. There is absolutely no reason for a woman to pursue a man. Ever wondered that the reason he did not pursue you, was because he did not see anything he liked or he felt you deserved better? Some of you might wonder about friends that did this and have it work out for them. Let me tell you this; that only happens in 1 of 10 cases. The man gets heady and his ego is inflated by your attention and then you start a relationship and after giving him 2 or 3 years (in extreme cases, 5 or more) he switches to someone else, never mind if she's right for him or not. That is because he feels you were not his choice, he was yours.

I'm not asking you to be harsh. Show your interest, let him see that you don't mind his attention. That you wouldn't mind being pursued by him. But, by all means, leave the chasing to him.Personally, I love the feeling being pursued brings about. It boosts your self-esteem, makes you feel pretty, exotic and special. The thrill of it all. Why would anyone willingly give that up? Ladies, sit back and enjoy being chased!

3. Ask the right questions: I'm not asking you to bombard the man in your life with questions. There are things you need to know though, and you can, only if you ask. Ask him his intentions towards you. Ask questions that prove if you are compatible or not. If you intend to commence a sexual relationship ( I am still not encouraging premarital sex) you should know certain things about his sexual health, right? You should be in the know about his HIV status, if he has ever had an STD/STI, you need to put your protection first. You also need to know if he is the kind of man that is responsible enough to earn your time. You can only decipher these through questions. Find the right time for each question and ask. Clear your doubt!

4. Keep your mystery: This is a tricky one! One thing that makes a woman interesting to a man is the aura of mystery about her. The fact that she is not an open book. I am not asking you to play games, I am just asking you not to reveal too much except absolutely necessary. A man does not need to hear about your sexual escapades in gory details. Men like feeling they are the only ones that matter and are worth remembering to you.

Be honest. Let him know if you've had a 'past'. Unless it is going to affect your relationship in anyway do not go into intimate details. Infact, let me rephrase that, even if it can affect your relationship, do not go into intimate details. It always does more damage than repair. Besides, your reason for telling him and how he reacts might not tally at all!

Let him talk about him, men love it when they catch your interest. Do not divulge anything that will not be laid to rest or that maybe used as emotional blackmail (note that I am referring to past events in your life. Do not hide present events divulge them all). Another way to keep your mystery is via your dressing. You really do not need to flaunt everything and expose it all before you attract a man. Very few men like sharing their private view with the rest of the world. Men like it when you leave a lot to their imagination. Makes you more desirable and attractive. A woman of mystery always gets her man.

5. Do not ignore the signs: This is probably the most important step. Ladies, when a man talks, listen! Then again, actions speak louder than words don't they? But what if he says one thing and his actions say something else entirely? This is where using your head comes in handy. When a man gets his prize too soon, he loses the zeal to really work in the relationship.

In my last post, I pointed out some of the signs that let you know if it is time to let go. If his signs keep lighting up red lights in your head, let him go. Your prince charming is on his way. Do not try to change him. Just put it behind you. Also, the way a man treats the women in his life (mother and sister) is the way he will treat you.

6. Never compromise yourself: Who you were before he got into your life, your values and principles are things you should not change for any man. There is a difference between submitting and losing yourself. You should submit to your man, but you should never lose yourself in the course of a relationship.

If you do not believe in sex before marriage don't change your mind just to keep a man. A man would never respect a woman that lowers her standards just to keep him. If you are really what he wants, he wouldn't mind doing the work and accepting your values and standards. He would never ask you to change. Never, ever compromise yourself (note again that I am not promoting bad habits. There are certain habits you have to drop, if bad, if you intend to have a meaningful relationship).

7. Don't overstep your boundaries: Ever heard the saying, 'A man will only do what a woman allows'? Well, its true. A man will only go as far as you let him. I've heard tales of friends who actually assumed they were in a relationship with a guy who saw them as a "friend". You are not in a relationship until the 'talk'. Men are very rarely open to indefinite plans like women. If they want something, they go get it.

If you've been with a man giving you messed up signals that keep confusing you, don't just assume you are in a relationship with that man. You might merely be a companion until the real thing comes along. And if you automatically settle in the girlfriend position, he is never going to have the talk with you. At most, be a friend to him, treat him like you would other friends. Afterall, 'if you've got a milking cow at home, why go to the market to buy milk?'.

If you overstep your boundaries and cross-over from what he sees you as to what you think he sees you as, you will not only set yourself up for disappointment but you might be left hanging for so long before you see the light. Don't make yourself too available to him. Are you that accessible to other friends? Until he steps up to the plate and names you his woman, exclusive at that, do not give all of yourself. Ladies, please let the man lead.

8. Be open to wise counsel: This is a hard one. No one wants to hear bad stuff about the person they are "in love" with. Worse yet, they do not want to hear that they may be up to no good and leading them on. With eyes blinded by love, it takes a while before we see who our man really is. But friends, family, colleagues, they will cite what we refuse to see obvious as it is.

I'm not asking you to bring a third-party into your relationship. I'm not asking you to go get advice on how to deal with your partner's smallest flaws. I'm merely saying do not have a secret relationship.

Even if you do not feel comfortable telling people he is the man in your life because you don't want others meddling in your affairs, still take him to a trusted friend for assessment. Sometimes, these people know what we deserve more than we actually do. Do not take him to a single friend that is desperate and might be jealous you got someone. Do not take him to someone with an history of failed relationships (what can that person see, that she didn't see with her past failures?). Take him to someone that has a successful relationship.

I strongly advice that if you have a male friend or brother, take him to the person for a look-see. Men have a way of sensing other men's intentions. This will let you know if you are on the right path. No man is an Island. Do not be quick to dismiss the assessment of your man, keep it at the back of your mind and observe him closely. Only then will you be certain if he is the man for you or not. I do not even recommend you commence a relationship with a guy that only got his pass marks from you. My sisters, don't be blinded by love, let others tell you what they see when they look at him. Accept whatever they tell you with love, the only reason they told you is love. 

9. Maintain your femininity: Michelle says, 'Don't be needy to the point where a man is your oxygen, but be woman enough to make him feel like a man in your presence'. I did not master this step early enough either. I have always been a do-it-yourself kind of girl. It left no space for a man to be my hero in any way. No matter how little, I did not like looking weak. Even if I was hurt so bad and I had to cry, I would never cry in front of a man. I felt if I did, I was giving him power over me. In the process, I forgot how to be a woman. I was always reacting more or less like a man would. Men started seeing me as proud and overbearing. Not one saw me as the 'independent woman' that I tried to portray. Whether we like it or not, men have to see us as the weaker sex irrespective of the strength within us.

Ladies, in summary, there is a difference between being too needy and trying to usurp a man. A man has to feel needed. In this age, it is a little hard to grasp femininity seeing as there is hardly anything a man does that we cannot do, if not better. So, it is the little things that show men they are still needed in our lives. For example, let him open doors for you, let him relieve you of your load. Tell him about your day. If someone hurts you, tell him. Let him feel like you came to him because you felt he was the only one that could console you. Cry openly in front of him if you have to. Let your sensitivity and vulnerability out to the open.

He doesn't want to hear what you think he needs to hear, he wants to hear about your feelings. Finally, compliment him, praise him for even the smallest things, he's bound to do more just to hear you praise him some more. Thank him for a wonderful time. Appreciate the little and big things he does for you. You don't understand something about your gadgets, go to him first. Let him be your hero. Let him feel like he rescued you, if only from yourself. You will be surprised at the number of gentlemen we still have out there just waiting for the right opportunity to prove their worth. Please give them that chance. Remember, femininity is strength under control.

10. Be patient: The patient dog eats the fattest bone. Never put the cart before the horse. All the above sayings just buttress my point when it comes to exercising patience. Step 1 through 9 can only be practiced if you have mastered the art of patience. There will be times you'll be tempted to jump the gun, every time you feel that way, call yourself to order. Wait for the man to get his bearings and decide what he wants from you.

Do not rush him into making a choice. Let him come up with it all by himself. I'm not asking you to wait around for him forever. Men know what they want faster than women do. If he keeps dragging his feet, know he has no real plans for you. He probably just really likes being with you and does not want to lose that entirely. This is hard especially when you really like the man. Isn't being patient much better than the regret of leaping too fast without getting the bearings from the man? Just continue to be yourself and wait it out. Every woman has the type of relationship she wants/chooses.

Your love is too sanctified, too priceless, too glorious, too beautiful, too fun, too awesome, to have thrown back in your face.

Good luck being heart-smart!

With love,

Adupeola