The Enemy Within

Man's greatest enemy is himself. So many things go wrong and all we do is satisfy our urge to pass the buck. We have to point the finger of blame at someone or something. We rarely point that finger at ourselves. We forget that without an enemy within, an enemy without cannot win! The reason we hesitate to blame ourselves is because it brings to the forefront everything that is flawed about us. It's not that we're convinced that we're flawless, it's that we do not want to do the work necessary to make ourselves better. How do I know? Because I found out long ago who my biggest enemy was and yet I did nothing to stop her. I let her win until she enslaved me. She took absolute control over my life and the affairs that mattered to me. I let her win so often I got used to losing and eventually I stopped and just got swept away instead. I've always felt that if I stopped to help the woman in the mirror instead of feeling sorry for her, maybe...just maybe a whole lot of things will be different today. Did you think it was hard to change someone else? Well, it's so much harder trying to changing yourself. Your mind, will and emotions will never agree at once. None of them will just give up without ample fight. I am known to be a stubborn woman. Guess how much more stubborn the abstract parts of me would be. The funniest thing is that despite my stubbornness, I am not a strong-willed person. My biggest mountain as always been self-discipline. So, it's definitely out of the question that I would be able to change set habits without a gruesome internal reconstruction(I know, when you say it out loud it sounds painful!).

Do you know how many things you forfeit to the enemy within? Do you know how many battles you've given up on fighting because of this enemy? Do you know how much you have lost? Do you know the things you've missed out on? I know. And still I let her get the best of me. I should have been harder on her. I should have stood up to her. I was weak, and I still am. I left so many things to chance. I've missed out on amazing adventures because I was stuck inside my box. My very small box. I've lost wonderful people because I was stuck on stupid. Because I was sanctimonious and self-righteous. My ego has been more of a stumbling block than a push forward. I do not have an healthy dose of egocentricity. I have an unhealthy and an abnormal dose of it. I am a good writer. Some might even go as far as to say I am a brilliant writer. Yet, I've never tried to improve on my skills. I continually refuse to work for people in need of my skills. It's like I'm in my own way. I know a lot of you know exactly what that feels like. God knows there's no way I can be that much in my own head and still have room for anyone else. I ruin it even before it starts to take off the ground. That's it! I don't walk, I soar. I jump like 50 steps and then I regret it right at the moment I'm crashing to the ground. Why? Because I never learned to fly. I wanted to do grown up stuff without taking the time to grow up.

I have learned that the best way to fix any problem I might encounter in life is to come to terms with my faults in the matter. I need to spend less time pointing out the flaws of others while successfully avoiding my own. No one made it by living perpetually in denial. I need to, like Apostle Paul said, “subdue my flesh”(paraphrased by me). I take this to mean that in essence, I have got to learn or acquire self-discipline, it's a necessity. Infact, I believe that self-discipline might actually be the most important weapon in man's arsenal in the war against the enemy within. Once the enemy without finds an ally in the enemy without, the battle is as good as lost. The enemy within thrives in self-loathing. You cannot win nor find the will to fight if you do not practice self-love! I know it seems like I always come back to this, but it's only because it is very important. I say again like I have said a million times before, you cannot give what you do not have! If you can't find a way to love yourself, how can you love anyone else. We are all broken in one way or the other, the only one that can fix you, is you. I am a spiritual woman. I do not believe nor agree with organized religion. Still a whole lot of who I am spiritually is because of organized religion. I believe in a higher power than my own. I believe in a Supreme deity. I believe in God. I believe in His unconditional love for me. Nothing I do taints that love. What I do not believe is that God can help me if I refuse to be helped. You see, God sends His Holy Spirit to heal us and make us whole. But, the Holy Spirit is very much a gentleman, he doesn't go where He isn't wanted. Every human has free will, we make our own choices. No higher power influences those choices and then when the consequences follow, we blame it on a higher power or the devil. Or our parents, our spouses, siblings, boss, etc. we just gotta blame someone.

The first step, forgive yourself. I know sometimes it's not that easy, other times, you don't even know you're holding unforgiveness towards yourself in your heart. There was so much I could not forgive myself for. The promises I made to myself and broke. The things I did that even I am disgusted by. Still, I got to that point where I had the courage to dump my baggage. I'm not saying there's no residue. There is! A bucket-load of it. But I know if I don't let it go, it will eat me up from within. And I do not want to live like that anymore. I made mistakes and I have atoned for them all. I have suffered the consequences of each and every one of them. I deserve to be free. I deserve to be happy. YOU deserve to be free. YOU deserve to be happy. Don't let your guilt hold you back from living life to the fullest. From enjoying life. We only get one, remember? We gotta make it count. There might not be an alternate universe in which I completely forget the past, but I know there's one where I am pushing through and I'm pretty sure it's this one.

I cannot help you fight on the battlefield of the mind. No one can. But, I can let you know that I'm rooting for you, that I'm your biggest supporter, that my bet will always be on you. Because, whether I know you personally or not, I know you're strong. A winner. You can do whatever you set your mind to do. And this battle...this battle is already won.

Adupeola