Time To Grow (A Dear John Letter)

This post was inspired by Lemar's Time to Grow.

Dear You,

The last time I wrote you, I was telling the world how deliriously happy we were together. I was telling you how glad I was to have a friend like you. How happy I am/was to have you in my life. You brought me so much joy. You were one of the best things to have ever happened to me. I would never have started this blog if you didn't push and push and look how far I've come. It's been 5 months! I can't tell you how glad I am I finally gave up and listened to you. I'm having so much fun.

I never thought it possible that we would at some time be apart and not because of unforeseen circumstances but because we can no longer stand each other's presence. The fact that the other's very existence has now become quite bothersome. I accept full responsibility for everything that went wrong. I always find a way to mess up good things. I'm screwed up in ways that aren't visible to the naked eye. It hurts that you're a casualty of my inner battle. Seems like I'm constantly at war with myself.

You always made me feel like I could beat Miss Universe even on her exceptionally good day. With you, I was a princess, a priceless jewel, the most important. One would wonder why that wasn't enough for me. You shrugged all my worries away. You scared away my monsters. You sang me to sleep on those nights when insomnia kicked in. The greatest man in my life is my dad but you were a close second.

Life tends to become quite lonely when your knight resigns. It becomes a tad unbearable when you realize you pushed him away. I know that's what I did. I was scared. I know that's no excuse for what I did or for the hurtful words I said to you. I know nothing I say now can ever make things better or make things return to the way they were.

I really miss you though. I miss the funny texts, the long phone calls and our time together. I miss the playful banter. I love having someone to tell my secrets to. Someone to share my weirdest thoughts and dreams with. You always listened. You never got tired of that. You read everything I wrote. You encouraged me on those days I wanted to give up on this blog. You handled my mood swings expertly. You could make me go from mad to happy in a second.

I accept that I can't change anything. I just want you to know how sorry I am. God knows I'm so sorry. Who the fuck knew I would be so miserable without you? I was a total bitch to you. I'll probably never forgive myself for pushing you away. I'll also never forgive myself for letting my freaking ego get in the way of apologizing earlier. I mean, how fucked up can one person be? I never cease to amaze myself.

My heart isn't breaking and I'm not constantly in tears. I feel like I lost a part of me. Like that part of me has gone to sleep forever. I'm so sorry for taking you for granted. My only hope is that you find a way to forgive me. I hope that this letter gets to you and you get to know how I feel about it all and that I blame myself for the way it all went down.

I know it's going to be this way forever. I know you're never going to be a part of my life again no matter how much I want you to still be a part of it. I know things won't change. I'm opening up to you...I need you to know that I'm sorry and that I'm going to be strong and just move on without you. I don't know if you hate me, but if you did, I wouldn't blame you. Sometimes I hate myself too.

Do me a favor; Look back at the time we spent together and remember how good we were together. Whenever you think about me, smile. Don't hate me forever. Whenever you hear our song - All of me, think about me (Okay, now I must admit that I'm shedding a few tears writing this).

I have to be that strong woman you knew and loved and move on.

You're gone...I'm here...alone. I guess it's time to grow!

I love you.  I always will. I will never forget you.

Adupeola