Vodka!!!

My relationship with vodka is probably the strongest relationship I have outside family. We weren't always so in sync though. Long before I ever ventured towards it, my aversion to it was mostly because I was told not to. I must confess that being told not to didn't satisfy my curiosity. On the other hand, it piqued it. I never needed it so I left it alone.

One day, I succumbed to one of my mood swings. It was like I was lost in a storm of my own. I was plunged into emotional turmoil. I needed to forget. I wanted to forget, even if it was just for a couple of hours. The only solution I got to my problem was to get royally wasted. I didn't want to get high. I wanted to temporarily black out.

That night, nothing worked for me. Everything I took...traditional or modern went right through me. Even if I was feeling a buzz, the moment I hit the rest room I let it all out. I would come out sober. I made lots of trips...it was like I was taking water. Then it hit me! Vodka!!! If that didn't do it, I made up my mind to give up. So, I got up and went in search of what I felt I desperately needed and I got it. Then I headed back home.

I'd like to tell you I consumed a particular unit and then slipped into oblivion. It didn't happen that way though. I kept consuming and everything felt less important and more funny. I forgot what got me feeling that low. I forgot...I remember the sudden need to get up, I got to the bathroom in time and I retched so hard I thought my intestines came up with the bile. I drank a lot on an empty stomach. I recall laughing so hard. After that, I had to go another round. At that moment, the fact that I could die of alcohol poisoning was so very funny.

I went back to my companion(my bottle of vodka), and we continued to get to know each other. I finally put the cup down. I stripped, got into bed and the moment I got into bed, I blacked out. It was a peaceful night...there wasn't even any room for dreams. I woke up the next morning feeling like every human in the world was marching inside my head. But it was worth it! After that night, I never had anymore issues with my body rejecting my friend. It had come to accept it.

Recently, a friend of mine told me she drinks socially because she likes the smell of alcohol and not because she feels the need to get high. She truly drinks responsibly. I took to vodka, not because I wanted to get high but because I wanted to feel numb. To be immune to pain and to life. To go from reality to fantasy land. To a place where it's okay if I'm my only confidante. I came to cherish my vodka. It was always somewhere handy. Someone got it into my head that the only way to deal with an hangover was to continue drinking.

I rarely ate. But I drank often. During that phase in my life, nothing else really mattered. Honestly, I can't remember a lot from that time. I've met people who were vexed I no longer recognized them. They took it as a slight. It wasn't. I truly didn't remember. I went on like that for a while. I was irritable and cranky when I wasn't being downright unfriendly and cold.

After a while, being the strong woman that I am, I realized that I had a problem. I was trying to run from my problems using my friend. I decided to stop and face my troubles head on(not saying I fixed it, but I stopped running). I stopped cold turkey the following day. I was completely sober for 6 months. I guess it was easy since I took up another addiction (chocolates).

Vodka still happens to be my closest friend, but I only turn to it when I miss it and how it makes me feel. But never to the point of blacking out. Never to the point of losing control of my senses. Never to the point of blissful forgetfulness. I've wondered if I did real damage to my brain cells because I forget things easily now. I came up with, no! My brain probably got used to hiding away information that troubles me.

I wouldn't say I chose vodka...it chose me. Lol!