The Art of Letting Go!!!

I've written about almost every aspect of a relationship. How to keep one, how to maintain it, how to deal with heartbreak, how to make the right choices, etc. I think it's about time I write about letting go. I once thought this was easy. Over the years, I've realized that it isn't. Letting go means accepting defeat and moving on. Nobody wants to accept defeat. Our pride is hurt, our heart is breaking and so we hide that person in our hearts forever. While this is easy for some, for others it is almost impossible. Some people just can't get enough of the past. They cling to it so hard they ruin their present.

Letting go has never been an easy feat for me. It still isn't. I never completely let go. I hold on to a tiny piece, hoping it becomes whole again. Not every piece fits somewhere. Some pieces just aren't right. It's because letting go is so hard that women stay on in violent relationships. The very idea of starting over terrifies them and so they stay with a man that abuses them physically and emotionally. No matter the role that person played in your life, you must realize that no one is irreplaceable. It might seem like they are right now, just give it time and you'll see that I'm right. I recently completed an exercise that plays a major role in letting go of people that have run their course in your life. Not only do I want to share this exercise with you  I also want to give you a few helpful tips when it comes to letting go.

The Exercise

Write a letter to that person. Write your reasons for needing them out of your life. Write down how you might find it hard to let go of them and ways you'll have to come up with to stick to your decision. You'll give all your emotions a voice; love, hate, anger, envy, jealousy, everything. After you're done, burn the letter or just throw it away. That's the first step in letting go. The letter carrying all your intense emotions dissapears and it takes all that excess emotions along with it. From here on, it gets a little better. It doesn't get easier, but it gets better.

The Art of Letting Go

1. Find closure: Closure is a feeling of completeness; the experience of an emotional conclusion usually to a difficult period. It simply refers to the moment when your heart gets it and you can finally shut your emotions down. Someone once asked me if it was possible to see your ex and not feel anything. I answered with a yes. I truly believe it's possible. People find closure differently so I can't really tell you how to find yours. I once lost someone and it hurt me so much that I started to dream about that person. I found my closure by talking about her to someone else in the past tense. Eventually, my heart accepted her death and I finally came to terms with her loss. Once your heart truly understands it's time to let go, you've succeeded in finding closure.

2. Cut all contact with that person: That means no calling, no texting, no chatting. You unfriend them on Facebook and unfollow them on twitter...you don't even ask mutual friends about them. You drop them hard and fast. Any lingering traces of them in your life makes it exceptionally hard for you to move on. Don't leave the door half-open. Slam it shut!

3. Accept the fact that you might still love that person: Not everyone breaks up with their partner because they don't love them anymore. Some do it to survive. Their partners are negative people and they bring too much negativity into their lives and they just want to be free from all that. Others were abused, emotionally and physically. They let go because it was the only way they could think of to save their lives.

So, yes...you might still be very much in love with that person. You have to fight that though. Once you make up your mind to let go, there's no going back. Staying on the fence is not fair to them or to you. Accept that they'll probably always hold a piece of your heart, they just never get to gain access to it anymore. Don't look back!

4. Focus on you: You just got out of a relationship. Definitely it's been a while since you've taken the time to take care of yourself. You always had to consider the other person. Use this time to pamper you. What are the things that make you happy? What are the things that make you come alive? You might want to do more of these things.

You must not allow yourself to get stuck in a rut. You should go out more. Find a new hobby. In the first place, your world should never revolve around your partner. You're not the moon. You have to get a life. You need to reinforce your mind and your heart so you don't go back to your vomit.

5. Forgive yourself: After they end a relationship, must people tend to blame themselves for letting it fail. They forget that letting go was the best option and for their own good. It is important that you forgive yourself for letting go of your relationship. Understand that you're human and as such prone to flaws and mistakes. If you don't forgive yourself, not only will you not be able to completely let go, it becomes baggage.

6. Keep in touch with reality: According to a recent research by psychologists, 20% of us suffer from 'complicated grief'. This is a phase where we romanticize our past relationships because of persistent longing for what we thought we lost. The only way to deal with that is to think about the good times and the bad. You have to have them both in perfect perspective. No relationship is flawless and no partner is perfect. Do not idealize your ex.

Nothing in the above list makes letting go any easier. It's just a form of clear cut goal that let's you know what to do to completely let go of someone. It tells you how to act not how to feel. I recently learned that there are 2 types of depression; Good depression and Bad depression. M. Scott Peck wrote in his book, The Road Less Traveled, that depression comes about when your subconscious decides to give up something(paraphrased by me). Depression only becomes bad when it slips into the chronic mental illness state. To be lifted from depression, your conscious self must accept to let go of what your subconscious already gave up.
The year is gradually coming to an end. Remember that every new year symbolizes a new beginning. A fresh start. A chance to right your wrongs. I won't tell you that your past will never matter again. It does...it made you who you are today. The people you met, the mistakes you made, all had a part in forming your today. Hanging on to the wrong things can spoil or taint the future.

Letting go of a loved one is hard. It helps to have someone to talk to. If you have a trusted friend, this is the time they prove their worth. If someone isn't helping you grow, you have to cut them loose. You only need positive people in your life. Be careful who you let in because it's harder to let them out.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year in advance!

Thank you again for this past year...I appreciate you all.

Adupeola