The Middle...

Pastor Jerry Flowers has a sermon tagged, Appetite. He explained how even though God took the Israelites out of Egypt to get them to their promised land, their appetite didn't change. They kept craving Egypt even though it was bad for them. Lol, I had heard so many people say that the spouse sent by God might not be your type. In another of his teachings, Pastor Jerry mentioned that the Godsent and the Counterfeit usually show up in the same season.

I was listening to sound teaching. I was studying sound books. I just was mixing it with the personal experiences of others (this is why I'm wary about this now). God's word is true but how it delivers to us differs. I didn't know that. If I did, all of Pastor Jerry's teaching would have been enough to warn me off, Mr. U. Although, in hindsight, this year, God helped me to see that Mr. U was an allowed counterfeit. That's why I kept getting confused about him. At this point, I would like to say that God might deal with you differently than He did with me. He pays attention to us as individuals. 

Through Mr. U, God was able to show me that although I was out of Egypt, I still had the appetite for it. I kept telling myself that Mr. U wasn't my type because he was short & I felt shortchanged by God. All the while, except for his height, he looked exactly like my preference. Let me just go ahead and say that was the worst relationship I'd ever been in. Everything was in it; jealous rage, gaslighting, love bombing, deception, stonewalling, narcissism & infidelity. Omo, I thought I understood what toxicity is. I wasn't ready. I went against everything I believed because I wanted to help God.

I could tell you this story without mentioning this part but that would be wrong of me. That was my humbling season. I needed to know that God didn't need my help but my cooperation. Did I mention that without even meeting him my parents didn't like him? Lol, that was always a requirement for me but I was too proud to pay attention to the red flag. I mentioned wanting to leave to Timi but I didn't really tell him why. He was used to my leaving men for silly reasons. I get why he told me to stay. He just assumed I had commitment issues and had to learn perseverance.

I stayed just to prove to myself I was normal. It was now about proving a point to myself that I could stay in a relationship. It was a matter of pride at this point. He started asking for more than I was willing to give. He mentioned marriage & the very thought terrified me (another red flag, right? Lol...pride really does go before a fall). When I said I wasn't ready, he changed to asking that I get pregnant then. I mean...then he'd be in my life forever. There was also the fact that I was a children's minister and the very real probability that my mother would kill me if I even entertained the thought 🤣🤣🤣. I told him to give me time to think about it.

June rolled in, my 'significant' month & I guess God thought, enough is enough. He called me on the 22nd to tell me he got someone else pregnant. I don't even think I fully comprehended him that night. I just hung up and didn't talk to him until the next day. When I did and I realized that was in fact what he had said the night before, I hung up again. There was so much happening in my extended family at that time. I just numbed myself and pushed through. Funny enough, the whole thing didn't end until August. 

To be continued...