Living In The Present

“Pursuit of contentment is not the pursuit of an elusive tomorrow; it is the celebration of today. In that, it is the pursuit to end all pursuits.” - Majid Kazmi

If you know me, you must know how impatient I am. I suck at waiting for things. I always try to hurry them along. It’s one of the reasons I have to be in control. Life humbles me from time to time though and all I can do is wait. God has scolded me often about my impatience. There was a particular month that every thing I studied in the Bible had to do with patience/long-suffering. I'm not as bad as I used to be, I’m still pretty impatient though.

When I was but a child, I was in a hurry to grow up. Every year has me looking forward to the next. I started to plan ahead and make goals (you know, put my bad habit to good use). It channeled my energy towards propelling me forward. It’s been great really, until I don’t achieve a particular goal and I’m bummed.

I’ve been chasing a particular project for a while now. I waited weeks. A couple of days ago, I thought I finally made some progress, I was excited. I looked forward to it. I started to plan my life around this project. My moods have been erratic all through this waiting season and sometimes I transfer aggression (something I hate to do). I finally got a response yesterday. It was negative. I got a ‘NO’. My heart broke. I felt a sharp pain in my chest. It became a bit hard to breathe.

Normally, I would eat my feelings (but I am trying to lose weight) or sleep it all away (but I weaned myself off of sleeping pills). The norm is to self-sabotage any other aspect of my life that is making me remotely happy. I fought the urge though. That I got a setback professionally is no reason to tamper with other aspects of my life not experiencing the same setback. It wasn’t easy. There was an internal battle going on within me. Night fell and I could no longer fight back the tears. I ended up crying myself to sleep. I was that hurt. I needed that release though. It helped a bit.

I am very reserved and even though I come across as very open, I keep some matters very close to heart. This has been more of a curse than a blessing. Most people assume I have no care in the world and then I’m boiling over with all these pent up emotions and one day I erupt. These last few days have taught me a huge lesson though: “Don’t let tomorrow’s plans rid you of today’s joys”.

I will no longer get so consumed about something in the future (that may or may not happen) that I forget to enjoy my present. I will take life one day at a time. I’ll create a safe circle and pick people I can be vulnerable with. People I can trust enough to see me at my weakest. It’s okay to not always be strong. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to want to hide out from it all. It’s okay to not always have it together or to not always have an answer.

Tomorrow is not guaranteed. So, why waste your today worrying about it? Find joy in the little things. Enjoy the process of growth. Stop to smell the flowers on your way to reaching your goals. Don’t be to consumed by them that you forget to make memories.

Do I feel better now? No. not even a little. I even cried a couple of times while writing this. Disappointments are part of life though. I know people say, “Life isn’t a bed of roses” but I prefer to believe that it is. Sometimes, you fall on soft petals and other times, it’s the thorns that get ya.

I’m moving on auto-pilot right now. I’m going through the motions. I’ll be fine in a bit though. Writing is therapeutic for me. I needed to write about it to get through it. At the same time, I get to reach out to anyone reading this that might be in the same boat. This didn’t work out, another will. Don’t stop setting goals, work towards achieving them but never let them deprive you of the gift that is today.

“ If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” - Amit Ray

Adupeola