Let's Talk Soul Ties!

I realize how foreign this term still is to a lot of people and so I decided to write about it and share my own experiences with the subject matter (I know you like it when I do that). It’s not a new phenomenon, we just gave it a more befitting name. It’s real though and it affects a lot of people today.

What are soul ties?

A spiritual/emotional connection you have with someone after being intimate with them usually involving sexual intercourse (it can also be formed without coitus). To the point that when you want to be rid of them, from your mind and your life, even when there’s some distance between you, you still feel like they are a part of you. It feels like a part of you stayed with them and this might create a feeling that a piece of you is missing...forever.

I’ve heard it said that one of the dangers of premarital sex is that a part of you mixes with the other person and when you break up, it’s like tearing off a part of your soul, the Bible calls it a “knitting of souls”. Whether we like it or not, sex is spiritual.

I know we’re quick to wave some things off in this generation but, not this one. I’ve seen so many people suffering from soul ties. Like the majority of the problems in relationships and marriages today is because of it. You hear stories like, “I just can’t forget him”. “I don’t know what came over me”. “I never thought I’d cheat on my husband, but I really loved my ex & if he didn’t leave or do what he did, I would’ve still been with him”.

It affects women a lot more because we form emotional attachments quicker especially when coitus is involved. We’re more emotional than our male counterparts. Soul ties usually take twice as long as the entire relationship to be effectively broken. So, hypothetically, 3 months will take 6 months, 6 months will take 12 months, a year will take 2 years. Like with every rule, there are exceptions. The harder you work at breaking the tie, the shorter it will take to break.

You see the kind of mess we put our hearts in when we just jump into one relationship after another without taking time out to heal properly? We just pile on hurt after hurt and after a while we become toxic. We still don’t realize that the bad odor is from us though and we keep trying to hold on to love and we keep ruining it or self-sabotaging our own efforts.

At what point do you just sit down and try to figure out what the problem is? Do you ever accept the part you played in the demise of the relationship? Do you prefer to act the victim? Do you try to figure out what you could have done better? Do you take a break before running into the arms of another lover?

Up until last year, I was haunted by the ghosts (not literally) of my past mistakes. It was like there was something wrong with me. My tolerance level was low. I always had a temper but I had begun to act out on this anger. I was mean, I was frustrated, I was bitter and walking about wounded. I had had enough of living that way though. Things needed to change. I needed to change.

I had just walked out of a 2-year relationship thinking it ended amicably but I had so much resentment in my heart. I wanted to move on fast and so I jumped right into another relationship. The latter was worse than the former and I deserved it. I was messed up emotionally. I had reached my limit. I broke.

You know how first impressions last longer? It’s the same way with first wounds – childhood hurts, first loves, etc you get the idea. My first wound was deep. I was naive and it crept up on me. I’ve written about it on here. I’m not going to drop a link because I don’t want to dig up the past (his & mine). He somehow found that post, sourced for my number, called me for like an hour, apologized and tried to make amends. I forgive him. Looking back, we were both young (& dumb). I think my healing began the day I decided to forgive him (until then, I didn’t even know I still held a grudge).

I still fumbled in the dark though, for about 3 years. I was lost lost. Up until then, I had been covering up my wounds and not treating them. Have you ever seen a festering wound? Plus, I’m allergic to pain. I’d try for a while, when it got too painful, I’d give up and throw a bandage over it. Because of that, it took me longer than it should have. I eventually did the work though. It was far from easy but I finally got my desired result. I grew. I know I’m a better person today than I was back then. I’m proud of myself.

In my next post, I’ll be sharing how I went about breaking my soul ties. It worked for me and I’m as stubborn as a mule. Trust me, it will work for you too. Just try it!

Adupeola