The Naivety of Childhood

A while ago I was a child. And despite the fact that I told my mum that I couldn't remember anything before the age of 10, I find that I remember bits and pieces. What I remember most about my childhood was how naive I was. I believed there was a little good in everyone. I believed that everybody deserved a chance. Nobody was too low for me to care for. I was practically fearless. I loved freely and truly and I trusted easily. No matter how many times the words, "stranger, danger" was echoed in my ears, I found it hard to consider any one dangerous. Thinking about it now, it's a miracle I survived my childhood.

Nowadays, I come across as cynical and wary. But I wasn't always like that. I was a sweet, easygoing child. I was gentle and reserved and everyone found a friend in me. I was nice and considerate. I also had my head constantly in the clouds. I came across a couple of notebooks of mine. I went through them and now I realize just how far gone I was in fantasy land. I had written heaps and heaps of fairy tales. There was always a princess and a prince. There was always an happy ending. I don't have to explain that I was the princess right? I seriously thought life was that simple. I always thought I would have ny fairytale and my diamond ring, eventually. Back then, I wasn't opposed to having a man save me. Today, I fear the one I trust to save me would be the very one to risk my life!

If I sat down to write another make believe story, the princess would never have her prince. She would die lonely and unloved. She would lose him to somebody beneath her. Or he wouldn't realize what a jewel he had in her and regret it later. Every stranger, would be a serial killer and every friend, a potential betrayer. There would be more tears than laughter. More sighs than smiles. Every where and everything would be bleak and without color. Pain would resonate from the pages of my story and unbearable hurt would be transferred from author to reader. "Happily ever after" would all but fade away.

Some might say it's a shame that I grew up. I disagree. Growing up is a necessary evil. Growing up protects us from the full brunt of hurt and despair that lies in wait for each and every one of us. The fact that I retained a little of that kid I used to be is a mystery that cannot be solved. Nor do I want to. I strived to keep my heart pure. I strived to remain fearless for the rest of my life. I just couldn't.  Not only can I not love as deeply and as truly,  I find it an herculean task to trust anyone. I'm wary of people that ask for my trust and my love. I blame my parents. I blame myself. I blame Disney.  I grew up watching Disney and romantic comedies. I read fairy tales and romantic novels. It's not a surprise that I wasn't prepared to have my heart blown to smithereens over and over again. It's not strange that I never thought the people I gave my trust to would turn around and stab me in the back.

When I have a child, I would let him/her know how cold the world really is. How very full of evil it is. I would tell my children that the heart of men is desperately wicked. Never trust too fast and never love too deeply. Always leave space for you to bounce back when disappointed. Do not invest more than you should. Never lay all your cards on the table. Never wear your heart on your sleeves. Talk less and think more. School your features until it is hard for people to read your feelings from your face. Always, always, always, have a plan B. Do not place all your eggs in one basket(what if it falls? Then where would you be?). Know your worth. Give as much as you receive...don't ever give more than that. Some people don't have any good in them. When you hear someone is bad or evil, it's probably true. Leave them be. Man is not an island, true...but man can survive as an island...also true.

I miss the clueless child that I was. I yearn for her. I feel sorry because her dreams were too far-fetched to be fulfilled. I hurt because she didn't know enough to protect herself from the mudslings of the world. I regret that she was never taught how to make lemonade out of life's lemons(it probably wouldn't have helped, I hate lemonade). One thing I'm glad of, is that when she grew up I thought her how to catch the potatoes of hurt thrown her way, add water and ethanol and make kick ass vodka(now that's one thing I love)! She might not be as strong, but she's still standing.

"When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought like a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things." - 1 Corinthians 13:11

I still want that diamond ring though...I refuse to let go of that.