The Essence of Our Lives...

Last year, when the movie; The Fault in Our Stars was released, I was privileged to watch it a few months after it's release date. After watching it, I found out it was based on a book by John Green that was published in 2012. The first thing that came to my mind was that I had to get my hands on that book. I also wanted to know if it was a true story. The movie was/is that touching. Some time in February, I finally got my hands on the book. But I never could bring myself to read it. You see, when I watched the movie, I cried buckets of tears. I'm the sentimental type. I cry at happy endings. I cry at tragic endings. I cry at bittersweet endings. Realistic endings just push me into a whole new realm. It pushes me past my tears towards sober reflections.

Yesterday, like every other night in the past one year, I couldn't seem to get to sleep. I knew counting sheep or just closing my eyes was useless. The only way I could get to sleep was to either take knock-out pills(sleeping pills) or just tire myself out and drift off to sleep as soon as the sun starts to rise. So, I watched the movie again. I cried again. I balled my fucking eyes out(excuse my french). Then I hardened my heart and read the book. I just had to compare details. First of all, I'm impressed at how much attention was paid to every minute detail. They truly did the author and the book justice. I finally found out it was fiction. But it had doses of reality. I finally understood how fleeting life truly is. For us that are healthy, we never truly fully grasp that fact. Recently, I've become more and more aware of my mortality, I know I'm not immortal but for a while I acted like I was. This book and movie put things in a brighter perspective for me.

I have always been like Augustus Waters(the hero of our story). It was always about my wanting to be remembered after I die. I even wrote about it in my diary. I also remember writing a blog post about that. I didn't truly understand that it was possible to be forgotten even if one is loved widely. Augustus wanted people to remember him. His greatest fear was oblivion. A long time ago, a friend asked me what my greatest fear was. I said, "to know I was dying and having to just accept it". That is still my greatest fear. When that time comes, I want to go peacefully. I want to sleep and just not wake up. I don't want to hurt or know that I would be hurting people by leaving...I don't fear oblivion. I want oblivion. I want to forget and I want the people I love to forget. I know it doesn't work that way though.

Let's put aside my morbid thoughts for now. Hazel Grace Lancaster was so different from Augustus I wonder how they merged. She had to bear the fact that because of her illness her parents' lives revolved around her. She feared leaving and having them become listless and depressed and tired of living. She wanted what her parents had even though she had been deprived of a lot. She didn't want to be loved widely. She just wanted to be loved deeply. By one other person. You see, I finally understood that to be truly remembered, you have to be loved deeply. That's the one that would never forget you.

We only get one true love in life. Love, like living is a risk. Death and oblivion are inevitable. People sleep and don't wake up. People fall down and never get up. People walk out and never walk back in. Indeed, like Hazel said, "...every true love story dies with the lovers...". To those lovers, a world without both of them is bleak. But if one is left behind, that one remains strong enough to live. Never forgetting. Always remembering. In the book and in the movie...their favorite author ends his novel in the middle of a sentence because that's how life ends. You don't always get to sort things out. There are always loose ends left.

I've been so scared of losing love that I've given it to people that I have moderate affections for. Now, I get it. I would rather give all my love to and receive love from the one who would take half of my heart with him if he drops dead. The one I will never forget. The one like Augustus who while dying selflessly thought of Hazel. Their kind of love that remains an unbroken promise. A promise that echoes for all eternity. I'm selfish enough to want to haunt atleast one person forever. Hazel thought she was going to die first and so she didn't want Augustus to love her. In her own words, "I'm a grenade...and I feel I have to minimize the casualties". Who are you to decide who loves you? Who are you to reject true love? Who are you to tell another how to feel?

Augustus wrote to Peter Van Heusen even when dying, "I love her, old man...I love her..."(book) and "I love her, Peter Van Heusen...God, I love her..."(movie). I want my one great love. Nobody lives forever, we can only hope that we live just long enough. Long enough to have loved. Long enough to have been loved. Long enough to have told those we love just how much we love them. Long enough to accept death and oblivion as the end of man and to learn to push aside and ignore this fear. Or better yet, rise above this fear. I'll leave you with the final paragraph of Augustus' final words to Hazel written to Peter and asked to be reconstructed for Hazel because he wanted to write her eulogy even if he couldn't be there to read it when she died;

What else? She is so beautiful. You don’t get tired of looking at her. You never worry if she is smarter than you: You know she is. She is funny without ever being mean. I love her. I am so lucky to love her, Van Houten. You don’t get to choose if you get hurt in this world, old man, but you do have some say in who hurts you. I like my choices. I hope she likes hers.

 To which she said, Post-Augustus;

I do, Augustus.

I do.

In the movie, it was, "okay, Hazel Grace?"

And she said, "okay".

He lived in her heart. He always will. He left his scar. She left hers(why else would he think about her on his deathbed?)

I don't know about you, but I want to leave my scar as well...and now I understand how much power I have because I truly get to choose who I allow to hurt me and he must be someone that is willing to allow me to hurt him as well. It's a risk we both have to take(I hope you get the underlying meaning).

Shakespeare wrote(paraphrased by me), "It's not the fault in our stars but the fault in ourselves".

The only reason we don't experience true love is because something in us is broken. We've become faulty vessels. It's not fate's fault and it's definitely not God's fault. The fault lies in us.

Okay??!

(The sentences in italics where culled from either the book or the movie.)