Hello There 😉
I'm sorry I haven't written this month. I wanted to. Infact, as May was drawing to an end, I was so excited about June that I assumed that for sure I would be using up a huge amount of your MBs. But, as always, man proposes and God disposes. I didn't know what was about to hit me. May ended on a bad note for me and try as much as I could, I spent the first week of June fighting back the storm. The second week wasn't all that better. By the time I reached the third week though, I was returning back to my old self.
It's hard fighting battles and then trying to hide them from the people around you. My heart was numb or too shattered for it to feel...and my emotions were in turmoil (I might write about what happened sometime but this post is not for that!). The thing is, I crawled, walked, ran, fought, prayed and fasted through that storm and here I am...still standing. I want to say I did it by myself. I want to claim that I have so much inner strength that I talked myself through it. If I said that, I would be lying. I almost cracked under pressure. I almost did something I would have regretted for the rest of my life. I almost gave up.
I have only felt that way once before. And the last time I did, it heralded the darkest period of my life. I call it "my years of silence". Those who follow me judiciously and read everything I write, would remember that phase of my life. I remember questioning the existence of God...I remember turning to vices I used to speak against. I remember using band-aids and allowing my wounds to fester instead of just treating them. I was determined not to ever go back to that time. I have made so much progress in the last couple of years, it would be a shame if I let something like that destroy all the good progress I had made.
I turned to God on the last day of May. Everyday, I had to remind myself how to breathe. I had truly forgotten how to. I would wake up and say to myself, "Dupe, inhale, exhale...just breathe baby, everything will be okay!" My prayer journal has never had as much inputs as it got this month. I told God I would sow the month of June to Him. I would give Him all of me and then some... all I wanted was for Him to help me and lead me through the storm. I'm allergic to pain and I just knew that this time, I had to heal for real...I had to walk through it to be able to get past it. I was scared. I wavered a bit in my decision...but I did it!
I'm doing it and I will continue to do it. Who knew that I could grow up so fast spiritually? Who knew that if I submitted myself to God and followed His will, He could use my pain to minster to me and heal me completely? I didn't even understand the extent of my wounds. It never occurred to me that I never healed from my past trauma. I only shoved it aside. During this period, i relived it...every ounce of my past pain. I replayed it. I re-watched it. I saw where my heart had hardened. I saw the changes that had taken place in me so subtly that I didn't even realize something was different. I called it defense mechanism but He called it a bleeding heart. Lol...I have finally let Him become the Lord of my past as well. I can't go back and change anything but I know He holds all of me in His capable hands so my present and future are secure as well.
I must also state that I am grateful to the friend (thanks Laolu) that brought Pastor Nathaniel Bassey's Hallelujah challenge to my knowledge. I tried the 1-hour tongue challenge, but I wasn't faithful with it. I was faithful with this one. I have reaped a lot of testimonies from Olowogbogboro and I'm still expecting some more(I might write them on the Mending Hearts blog).
Now that I've got my groove back😏😛😛😛 I'm super-duper-duper-duper excited about my birthday. Lol...remember how I used to be so scared of growing up? Not anymore darlings. I know now that I'm gonna age gracefully. I intend to stop fighting it and just let it happen. Guess who's gonna be 25 on Saturday? I cannot wait. I am exxxxcccccited.
I'm still working on self-love so you best believe that I'll be giving myself the best treatment and will be pampering myself plenty. I will definitely write about it. You know how I love to gist 😂😂😂 amebo like myself.
Choi! I'm getting old o....and that's okay😆😆😆
Happy Sunday my darlings...God bless you!