You Used To Be My Mr. Right!

I haven't written in a while. I actually diagnosed myself of creative PTSD until someone else was able to help me see it's because there's a disconnect in a sphere of my life. That person was right. There is a disconnect. I took all my feelings, my emotions and I locked them up in a steel box. Then I built a fortress(completely booby trapped) around it to make sure the box remained undisturbed. I won't be addressing this almost a letter. No, that would make it too touchy-feely and it should be, but I reserve the right to retain some of my dignity. Writing has healed me in the past. Although, the process was tough, it got better the more I wrote about it. Why haven't I written about you yet then? I'm sure you're curious. I haven't because I didn't want to do anything that would make me remember you. I wanted you to not have been a part of my life. I keep wishing that 'flashy thingy' that was used to wipe memories and replace them with new ones in MIB(Men In Black) really existed.

Let's get to it then; I thought keeping what we had private was the best step to take. I was right! If I had made it public, God knows what I would have done to anyone who unknowingly asked me about you. I'm going to be brutally honest here. You had some good in you but the bad always outweighed your good. You are funny and when you wanted to be, can be very caring. Somehow, I could always see the good in you even when you were being your worst. I probably have so much to thank you for and so much more to hate you for. I loved it that when I commented about my weight that you would ask if I lost weight. I don't know if you were saying it to make me feel better because you knew it bothered me or if you genuinely thought that! Even though I never showed it, I liked it when you greeted me with a hug even though you knew I wasn't into public displays of affection! On my really bad days, I looked forward to that hug. It made me feel lighter.

I know you think I just left you but I didn't. I left a long time ago. Remember when I asked you if you could be more discreet with your misdemeanors if I stopped trying to figure out what you're up to and you said yes? That was the wrong answer. No woman on earth is that accommodating and you should have known that. Sometimes I wonder about you. I wonder if you ever feel guilty about what you do. I'm pretty sure King Solomon had you in mind when he wrote, "the heart of man is desperately wicked." A few days ago, a couple of guys were having it out online and one called the other 'arole Lucifer'(Lucifer's firstborn or heir), I laughed because they were yet to meet you. I'm almost sure that you're him personified!

You would look me in the eyes and lie. Repeatedly. I take great pride in my intelligence. I've even gone ahead to do tests that attest to the fact that I'm a very intelligent woman, yet with you I play the fool. Over and over again. You somehow make me feel stupid and even doubt my intelligence. I knew better. I know better. Yet, it's like when it comes to you, my intelligence goes on vacation and I'm left a simpleton. It had to be you. It had to be you. It just had to be you. And I got exactly what I deserved for that. Let me ask you something, I'm sure you knew how hard it was for me to trust you, why was it that much easier for you to betray that trust? I'm happy to tell you, I only cried once after I made up my mind to let go. My head knew better than my heart and we(my mind & I) had to hold my heart prisoner, seal it off completely to make it that much easier for us. Because of that, my writing suffered.

Even though I was/am in denial, I'm hurting. My pride is bruised and my heart is broken. I have to work through the pain and God knows I'm not looking forward to it. But I have to go through to reach the other side. Besides, I don't want to hurt another for your crimes. I'm going to nurse my heart and then I'm going to heal. Gradually until you're but a distant memory. I'm not going to say a time will come when you will regret losing me. No, I don't want you to have any regrets at all. I don't want you to wish for me or yearn for me. I want a clean break. I want us to be able to forget the bad and remember the good. I know part of it was my fault. I shouldn't have made so many excuses for you. I should have put my foot down. I spoilt you and it stunted your growth.

That was my biggest problem. I grew up, but you refused to. At some point you have to. There are some things you should be tired of by now. You need to grow up, teddy! I wished you could have grown with me. But you resisted it and here we are. You went from Mr. Right to Mr. Maybe and now you're Mr. Wrong. I'm glad though. You led me to call on my  strength within. I never would have known how strong I was if you didn't rig my heart with C-4 and blow it up. I'm so happy you blew it now and not later. It was during the process of putting the jigsaw puzzle that was my heart back together and then putting it under lock and key that I came in contact with my inner strength.

I will always have a soft spot for you.
But.....And....

I forgive you.