Shall We Continue?

I apologize for the delay but I was preoccupied with getting married and becoming a wife. It's been an amazing time so far. Lots of learning going on. Lol...makes me wonder how some people get into marriage and immediately become experts on the institution 2 weeks in. Nothing truly prepares you for it. There are surprises. Lots of them. You can only pray that they're all good or silly (like your wife bawling her eyes out because she's homesick and would like to go back home now). Or realizing that you can't be married and not become vulnerable with your partner. There are also the tiny, annoying individual quirks that didn't matter when you were dating but suddenly seem so magnified once you realized you're stuck with them forever. Lol!

Anyway, this isn't a marriage post. This is a continuation of where I left off in the last post. So, where was I? Right! Mr. U & we're in August 2019 (weirdly, we're in August 2022 at the time I finally got around to continuing the story). He did a number on me. There's a level of toxicity that eats at your self-esteem. This was it. It didn't make sense to me that someone like that could exist. Honestly, he's the reason I believe in weird stories online now. You know usually, I'd mention all the things I did wrong as well and my fault in everything, but I honest to God, had none this time. Even when I'm giving my worst to someone, I give it my all. I do nothing half-heartedly. I was determined to give my best, so I went all in and held nothing back. 

When I was younger, there was a French phrase I loved to say often, "Je regrette rien!." Loosely translated, it means, 'I regret nothing!' Since I found that phrase, I had lived my life accepting my mistakes and my accomplishments. I accepted my consequences as well. I do not look back at my past in regret nor do I dwell on it. I just learn what I should from the past and I move on. As a result, I barely remember any of the bad stuff. I discovered it in 2008 and it took a hit in 2019. For the first time in 11 years, I regretted something. Not because he was an evil, evil person. But because I believed that a God that loved me unconditionally, would hand me over to a man like that. I regretted not fully understanding the magnitude of His love for me. 

I was numb for a while. I was in a daze for a long while. I couldn't believe I let anyone treat me in that fashion. I was pissed. Mostly at myself. I knew better. I wouldn't let anyone I cared about finish telling me what was going on before I would've said, "You need to leave that situation." And there I was, I not only took it, I believed God sent it 🤣🤣 (thank God I can laugh at myself sha). What did I do next? I went back to God & repented of trying to help Him do what He said He'd do. He made the promise when I didn't even ask for it. Why did I assume, He'd need my help to bring it to pass. I went on a fast and just wanted to refill my heart with His love. I needed to detoxify my spirit from that entire situation and quickly snip off nonsense soul ties. 

That has been the longest fast of my life so far. I didn't stop until my spirit man felt cleansed. Took me over 3 months. When the fast ended and I found out that he'd been married for over 5 years, I didn't even feel anything. I was clean. My detox was complete. I guess the enemy wanted to be sure. That's the only explanation I have for him contacting me months later. I felt sorry for him & did him a favor by blocking him. Now, I was completely wary of the entire XY gender. I wanted nothing to do with them. I mean, you would too if you'd just finished dealing with the spawn of Lucifer 🙄. 

So, it wasn't all that hard when God kept whispering, "Esther" to me. It was also easy when He told me to stay single for 12 months. I had PTSD. I welcomed the very idea. Lol...up until then, I even panicked a little if a man showed me any attention. I started to crave the peace that came with singleness. So, His instruction was music to my ears. I also realized I'd never actually been single since I started dating. 2020 was a funny year...

To be continued shortly...(don't worry I won't make you wait long)