The Rebound!!!

I'm almost certain that in this day and age every one is quite aware of who or what a rebound is, but to be sure we're all on the same page, I'll go ahead and proffer my definition of the term. I know that rebound can be defined as bouncing back after hitting a hard surface. Ironically, this definition applies to relationships as well. One is said to be on the rebound when one goes straight from one relationship to another immediately after a bad breakup. Therefore, rebound in my opinion can be defined as starting a new relationship immediately after the last to avoid the pain of a breakup. The misconception here is that most people consider this as proof of their moving on. It's proof alright, but only of their cowardice! I've been guilty of this as well so know I'm not here to judge. I'm only here to help you understand why a rebound is the wrong way to go.

I need you to understand that there's a grieving period after every loss. A breakup qualifies as a loss and so it is only proper to grieve. Proper and logical. You lost your love, your partner, your confidant, your friend. You can't just transition like it didn't matter, not even if you were the one to facilitate the breakup. The fact is something led to your breakup. Even when couples claim that a breakup was amicable it's always more amicable for one than the other. The other person probably just went ahead with it because they had no choice. Psychologically, you aren't even ready for another relationship yet. Every decision you make in the new relationship would probably be tainted by the things that went wrong in your other relationship. You either make really poor choices and end up with the wrong people or you punish a perfectly nice man/woman for what another did. Like the popular saying, "hurting people hurt others"! Through the fog of pain, all you do is lash out.

I've always advised that you take the time to be single for a season after a breakup. There is a need to evaluate your collapsed relationship. You hold on to the good things you learned and find a way to flush out the bad stuff. You know where your personality requires an improvement and you work on yourself, your physical, emotional and spiritual wellbeing before you get back on the horse. You are still too emotionally vulnerable and a easy target for sharks or predators. You are most likely emotionally unavailable and your venturing into another relationship so fast boils down to any of the following:

1. You are afraid of being alone(without a romantic partner).

2. You need to feel needed again.

3. You want a substitute for the love that was lost.

4. You're hoping the new relationship will dull the pain of your heartbreak.

None of the above is a good enough reason to start a rebound relationship. Admittedly, some rebounds work out. Some people are patient enough to help you get over past hurt. But, we all know there are exceptions to every rule and you might not necessarily be that exception. You need to work through the pain and not attempt a shortcut.

 Let me tear you a page from my personal experience. I happen to be the master of rebounds. Infact, if there was an award ceremony for it, I would win it a million times over. I have a problem with pain. I try my best to avoid it. Normally, I would tell people to cry it out and grieve. You know, the usual releases. The thing is I already cry too much. I cry at happy endings. Sad endings. I cry when a series I love gets cancelled or ends. I cry when I'm sick. I cry when I don't get my way. I cry when I'm angry. Do you get my dilemma now? Crying has become old to me. Since I already grieve every single loss in my life, a breakup almost drives me insane. I become constantly aware that there's a very thin line between sanity and insanity. So, since I'm trying to make sure I do not become overly addicted to anything, I just jump back on the horse, metaphorically speaking of course!

The thing is, I'm still so sore from my last fall that I don't enjoy my next ride. I'm paranoid, suspicious and deep, deep, deep, down, I'm indifferent. The thing is, I'm using the other person. Because that's what I'm doing, I make silly choices and I end up with someone I might not even have given the time of the day if I was thinking right. At the end of the day, one realizes it's better to treat a wound immediately than to leave it alone to fester. It only becomes worse and more work later. Trust me, there's nothing worse than having to swallow a full cup of pain mixed with a full dose of shame. I'm lucky enough to have selective memory(it's either that or vodka really does kill brain cells), I only remember what I choose to remember. I want better for you, so I'll say it's better you work through the pain. Thankfully, I've learned from my mistakes and I would rather you didn't make the same mistakes I made if I can steer you right.

In truth, a breakup can be pretty destabilizing, but you already know life is not a bed of roses. Very few people get their happily ever after on the first try. It's better if you don't always keep company with people going through the same stuff you are. Misery always loves company and it would take you longer to heal that way. There's nothing wrong with having your friends console you and cuss out the offending party or talking it out with someone that has been there, but you cannot afford to dwell on that mountain too long. Do something with yourself. Something that would make you happy. If there are no classes you want to take or a job to do, get funny movies and watch them back to back. I happen to know that laughter is a much better release than tears. Laugh more. Meet new people. Form platonic relationships.


When you're ready for a new relationship, you'll know. And when you do get back on the horse, you find that you're well rested and reenergized. You can hardly recall your last fall. You find that you're entering your new relationship with a clean slate. No outstanding debts to collect from the new partner who doesn't owe you in the first place, no ill feelings, no residual anger, nothing! It's a blank page. A new chapter in the story that is your life.

Dear readers, if there was anything I could do to make sure that you didn't have to experience an heartbreak, I would gladly do it. As it is though, most times, it is inevitable just like death. I happen to be going through one at the moment and the first few months, I just couldn't bring myself to write or be friendly. I was overly moody and touchy. In a couple of write-ups I was able to post, I hinted at it. I guess I just want to use this medium to thank everyone of you that reached out to me. Reminding me of my worth and my strength. God bless you real good. And I want you to know I took the time to create an encouragement folder for myself and all of your messages, texts, emails, they all went in there. I'm afraid that if I start to mention names, I would miss some and those people might feel slighted and I would like to avoid that. Just know that I appreciate you ALL and I'm back!!! I love you all...

Adupeola