Are You Commitment-Phobic?

First things first! Let's understand what commitment phobia is? We've all come to know that the word 'phobia' means fear. So, commitment phobia can be defined in simple terms as the fear of commitments! Like all phobias, commitment phobia is as a result of a psychological trauma. It could be a trauma of long ago or something a little more recent. Whatever it is, it left a scar deep enough to leave you terrified of the source of your trauma. 

In the case of commitment phobia, it could be because your parents had a bitter divorce, it could be due to abuse from a close relative or your being jilted by a past lover. All these scenarios leaves you weary of committing to a long-term relationship. You are scared of being hurt again. It's not so easy for you to trust again. In cases of being a child whose parents had a bitter divorce, you feel it isn't worth it to put yourself through what your parents went through. You don't want to hurt a child like you were hurt.

I've often heard that the first step to finding a solution to a problem is to admit that there is actually a problem. Sadly, our egos make it impossible to admit to the smallest of flaws. That and the fact that most people just don't know they have a problem. They are ignorant. And we all know what the Good book says about ignorance, "...my people perish for lack of knowledge...". So, I have made it my responsibility to help you figure out if you are a commitment phobe? Do not be deceived. Commitment phobia is very real and it is psychological. If not properly dealt with, you will hurt others and hurt yourself. You will ruin all your chances of ever being happy. I don't want that for you. The thing is there are lots of red flags. I might have to spread them out over a course of two or more posts. Kindly bear with me.

Signs That You're A Commitment Phobe

1. You venture into a relationship with emotionally unavailable people: I once had a friend who only dated married men. If anybody was to call her up on it she would say,"they are less stressful". I didn't believe in commitment phobia then and I was never one to judge another's idea of 'right'. If I knew then, what I know now, I would have tried my best to help her. At least talk to her and try to figure out what made her that way.

Commitment phobes prefer people who can never become serious with them. Not because they don't want a lasting relationship, but because they can't handle it. They're scared. When he's still married or she's still engaged, it's all good. The moment he leaves his family for her, she takes a million steps backwards. The day she announces that she dumped her fiancé he tells her he can't handle the pressure anymore. They are not ready to invest their emotions and so they run away when their little plan fails.

2. You no longer want your ex but you panic when they move on: Personally, I think this is quite selfish. I'm not judging though...just calling a spade a spade. I've been guilty of this as well. Yes, you broke up with your ex because you felt you weren't compatible or that you could do better. They were all wrong for you. You know what you want and they just didn't qualify. You didn't think twice about ending it and you recovered fast.

Then you hear that your ex is getting married or that they are in a fulfilling relationship and then suddenly...suddenly you want them back. You just have to be the one with them. I'm guessing it's not enough that you hurt them by leaving, you have to keep them from finding happiness as well. This scenario makes it easier to believe commitment phobia is a psychological problem, does it not?

3. You often date several people at the same time: I know that I have stated often that dating is quite different from being in a relationship. As I will be writing about their differences in a future post, I will just go ahead and summarize. Dating precedes a relationship. It is a form of romantic courtship while you check out if the person is suitable enough for you to venture into a relationship with. While it's okay to occasionally date more than one so has to have a better idea of what you truly want, it's destructive if you regularly date several people at the same time.

Dating multiple people will spread you thin. Yes, you might argue and say you just want to keep your options open incase someone better comes along, but we both know you just don't want to be tied down to one. You want the fun of being chased or chasing without the boredom that comes along with the responsibilities of a relationship.

4. You've gone back to the same relationship many times: The fact that you always go back to a relationship that you clocked out of shows that you aren't a committed person. If you can't even make up your mind about such a serious decision, isn't it obvious that you have a problem? You can't make up your mind to stay or to leave.

You already know that your relationship with that person has no future.  You just don't want to let go completely yet. It has become a game to you. How many times can you leave and get them to take you back? You're not committed to leaving or staying. You're merely on the fence.

5. You keep the door on a relationship open incase you change your mind: Do you know how wrong it is to attempt to 'own' another human? Your ex is not a piece of property. You can't hold on to them after letting them go. You feel that if they move on you'll no longer have free access to them. You fear that they might actually meet someone better than you and because of that become a better person.

You can't stand the idea of them being with someone else but you're unwilling to commit. You just want someone that's available when you're bored with life and when things start buzzing again, you show them the door. Don't you think it's selfish of you to want to manipulate someone's life that way? This is one of the reason why exes still see each other. Why they are still physically intimate. Not only is this disrespectful to the other party, it messes with their head as well. Let them go...stop being so damn selfish!

I'm going to stop here for today. So, using the signs listed above as a guide for diagnostic evaluation, are you a commitment phobe? Do you resist commitments?

To be continued...