"To Be Or Not To Be?"

As much as I absolutely adore Oscar Wilde's works. This morning I think my thoughts resonate more with Prince Hamlet (a character created by William Shakespeare). Although we're not pondering on the same things...we're both in the same confused state. Lol! I know ba...I've come again. You'll just have to deal with me o. Told you this blog also serves as my personal journal.

I noticed saying no to a man's advances is really easy for me. I know what I don't want and no matter how nice the guy is, or how successful and rich he is, I still say no. What I do not know is what I want! I just assumed what I want would be the direct opposite of what I didn't want. Turns out life isn't that easy...sigh!!!

I followed all the rules. Both spiritual and worldly. I'm still stranded. I prayed and prayed. But I can't hear His answer concerning this. Sometimes I lose my peace and I realize this might be an avenue by which God is trying to get my attention. I listen...I try to decipher. But now I feel that check means 'slow down' not 'stop'. God is an orderly God. He has perfect timing. So, maybe I'm moving faster than He wants me to? Lol...I'm rambling. I know you have no idea what I'm talking about. I'll explain myself.

From the last series, you know about the existence of Mr. O. I listen to my girlfriends go on and on about their men. I have female readers praise their men even when they're mad at them. I wonder if something is wrong with me. I've never felt any of the things they described with Mr. O. I understand my commitment phobia might have something to do with that. Like everytime I hear, "forsaking all others" in a marriage vow I visibly cringe.
Who and what exactly am I forsaking? Because I know it goes deeper than a simple commitment to mongamy.

Everytime he (Mr. O) mentions the future and includes me in it, I become distant...cold and then I pick a fight. I have good examples. I don't understand why I'm still so scared. So, I had a bad experience...most of us had that...mine isn't special. I have dented his ego one too many times. A couple of days ago, he asked me, "Am I really that bad?" I felt sad...he's truly not. I should be an ego booster and I've made him start to doubt himself.

Okay...this is not completely for me. I know I can't be alone in this situation. If you're in the same boat...or have been in the past...please send me a private message on how you're dealing with it or how you dealt with it. I need a little help.

To be continued...

Happy Valentine's Day in arrears.

I love you!!!

Adupeola