Fife-mayo - Joy In Love

I'm probably the last person in the world that should write about this but something about the above title kept calling out to me. I might not have experienced complete joy in every one of my past relationships, but I had a taste of the joy that could have been. I've always wondered about complete joy in love. Why can't I have that too? Am I reaching for something I was never meant to have? Then it hit me. Love comes in various forms; Self-love. The love of a parent for the child. A man's love for his woman. A woman's love for her man. Love between siblings. Love doesn't have to be defined by just one thing. Love is immeasurable. It defies the law of quantifying abstract emotions. You cannot argue that one type of love is greater than the other. Okay, you might argue but you sure as hell won't win!

I learned two things recently. Firstly, we make a decision to be joyful. It doesn't have to come from an external source. It can come from within. You can choose to be joyful. I can choose to be joyful. Lately, I've been making the wrong decisions in that area. I haven't been choosing joy. I liked the other emotion much better. It fitted me better. It suited the person that I was. I'm not known for my sound decisions, so people familiar with me wouldn't be that surprised. I am both anti-social and eccentric. There is no universe where those two mixed together make for good company. I have never been in the habit of making the right decisions for me. I'm doing my best to change all that.

Secondly, I learned that love is like a bullet to your brain. Love leaves you vulnerable. A part of you is open to hurt or fire. I'm not comfortable with being vulnerable. Being vulnerable with someone means you trust them and trust as never been my greatest asset. I keep telling people you cannot give what you don't have and I just don't have trust. Like you all know, trust is the true foundation of any relationship. Without it, your relationship is going straight to hell. At what point is it okay to entrust another with your heart? Never! It never is. That's why love is a risk. A major one. You cannot be sure of anything. You live your life on probability. You either spend the rest of your life with that person or you break up. But which is it? My greatest fear has always been the fear of the unknown. I like to know. Any hint of uncertainty and I'm out!

We all want to know that we're safe in our relationships but not all of us get that luxury. Yes, knowing that you can count on your partner is a luxury. Not everyone gets a partner like that. If only life were a bed of roses. A lot would be easier to swallow. Because then we get to see the finish line a little more clearly. Love is an investment. You invest your time, your energy, your emotions, your money, all that you are in that other person. It can't be easy to do all that when you're not sure you're going to make a profit in return. Still, we keep on investing. Why? Because man is not an island and life gets pretty lonely when you go it alone. You need to be able to let at least one person in. If you cannot do that much, you might cave under life's pressure. And trust me, life has a barometer on hand to know just how much to turn the pressure on someone going it solo. I know, because I've been there.

I remember talking with one of my uncles a while back. We were talking about love. If it were something humans came up with to enslave us to our emotions, if it was a myth or if it indeed exists. We both agreed that it existed. You agree don't you? It does. It's just rare and very fleeting nowadays. We got to arguing about what gender loved the best. He felt like his gender did. I remember him saying that nothing can compare with a man's love for his woman. A father's love for his children. A son's love for his mother. And a brother's love for his sister. I agree. Probably nothing can. He went on to say a man makes sacrifices for the ones he loves. He protects and provides. He goes the extra mile. All true. But I'm female and as such I have to side with my gender especially since I know they win hands down. When a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter what he has done, what he is doing or who he is. She is loyal and always there to hold him down. Then there's a mother's love for her children. From the day they are born till she breathes her last, she stops sleeping all through the night because she has to protect the ones she loves more than life itself. She doesn't always get to do that and it hurts her more than it hurts them when she fails.

How does 'Joy In Love' come to play? You have to enjoy it all. The good times and the bad. If you're like me, you have more bad times than good but I promise you that it's worth it. Even Shakespeare said, “It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before” (paraphrased by me). Even if you are now divorced or a widow or widower. Even if you lost a child. Even if you've only ever had failed relationships. You owe it to the ones you lost, to yourself, to find the silver lining in every cloud. It isn't always easy. I know you think I don't understand but I do. I once loved and lost. He broke my heart by dying. I held that against him for so long. But, deep down, I know he probably didn't want to die yet. I'm sure if he had any say about it, he would have stayed. That hurt, it still does, but now I no longer base my decisions about my relationships on his death. I know it isn't easy but they at one point existed and you need to honor their memories by being joyful when you remember them.

For those who have had failed relationships, you owe it to yourself to bring joy back into your lives. You cannot continually place the blame at their feet. Instead, remember the good times you had together and scrap the bad. If you concentrate on the bad, it's going to come back and haunt your new relationship. You need to let go. You need to choose joy. There's so much joy to be derived in loving someone. My baby cousins, I see the joy light up their eyes when I walk into a room. That's love. After I scold them, they hug me. It's almost like they know it hurt me more than it hurts them. We need to start loving like children do. They love no matter what and unconditionally. They are happy to love and be loved.

So, the next time your man offers to help in the kitchen, accept his help even if he'll do more harm than good. The next time your woman cooks you a meal, say thank you. She doesn't have to but she does it because she loves you(so many women nowadays just get takeout). The next time your child makes you a silly gift, accept it with pride. The next time your brother or sister hugs you, hug them back don't get annoyed by their clinginess. The next time your mum says no, understand that she's just worried about your safety. When your dad asks a lot of questions, it's only because he cares. Learn to give and accept love joyfully.

P.S. I'm taking a look at things from a different angle right now. So, my posts might not always make a whole lot of sense for now. I'm going through a change and that hasn't always been easy for me. Bear with me through this period. Sorry I haven't written in a month. I got preoccupied with life. A special thank you to everyone who got worried and reached out to me. I'm fine...i just took a break while sorting out my life and my head. Hopefully, I'm back and better!

Adupeola